Seasonal Depression

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So, it's winter here in Virginia. It's been winter for a while now, I know. But somehow I can usually get through the holidays alright. January and February always hit me the hardest as far as Seasonal Affective Depression. It was much worse when we were still living in Rochester, NY. But this year I feel like my SAD has come back pretty strongly. Here's some of my symptoms:

Insomnia, and/or trouble waking up in the morning. Luckily I manage to make it to work, albeit later than usual, but on the weekends I've been finding myself sleeping in past noon which, OK, I did a lot as a teenager and really, still do even when I'm not depressed. But it's HOW I'm sleeping in. Happy Jac sleeps in because "ooh, its so cozy and I'm having a great dream and isn't it lovely to lounge in bed" SAD Jac sleeps in because "Urg, I have no energy, no reason to get up, I don't care about all the things I have to do".

Drinking. I'm not a huge drinker usually. But this past weekend I drank far too much. Normally I have one or two drinks because I enjoy them... a really nice glass of wine or a tasty cocktail. But Friday I was a mess. I was so determined to put on my happy face and have fun with my friends, that I drank a lot because I struggled to feel anything. I haven't had anything to drink since Friday night... except a sip of some of Joe's wine at dinner on Saturday... because I recognize the potential issues here. Plus, alcohol is a depressant and I'm not dumb enough to give a depressed girl MORE depressants. I spent the entire weekend recovering - and not just the typical hangover recovery. My mood is still not recovered.

I'm hungry all the time. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm more emotional, I shovel food into my face like I'm going to starve. I don't enjoy it, I have no concept of being "full", and I'll eat everything in sight. Last week was worse for this, but I've been following this "diet" from a magazine - it's a two week plan - and I made Joe and Bill go grocery shopping with me and I've committed to sticking to it, especially since we spent a lot of money on food.

I don't give a shit about things or enjoy things. I was nominated for "Outstanding Costume Design in a Musical" for our local theater community honors group. I think I did a good job acting with the appropriate amount of excitement to appease everyone around me, but to be honest... my level of excitement was very low. I don't FEEL excited. I also don't feel like I necessarily deserve the nomination. And that's not me being modest. I'm not a poster child for modesty over here. I just... don't care. I'm currently working on a show that opens in a few weeks. I've barely made progress on it and I'm struggling to "get it together". I just started a new position at work, with a big, high visibility project and I'm coming in to work late and leaving early and procrastinating. I started doing the TEAM Fitness thing at the start of January... I've missed at least one session a week since. I didn't go Monday or today this week, nor did I go in to make up for lost time. The apartment is a mess, laundry isn't done, and you know, whatever.

I make it sound terrible. But I've had major depression before in my life and this is not it. I had a nice dinner with friends on Saturday and we laughed so much we were in tears. I'm able to get out of bed and function, where as when I was majorly depressed, those things wouldn't happen. I can still interact with people though my introversion is more pronounced. I'm not crying for no reason like I did when I was depressed.

Because it's not a major depression, going to my doctor and getting meds doesn't really make sense. I've been on anti-depressants before, and they work, but I feel like this is pretty mild in comparison, so what I really need is to see a counselor. I'm in contact with one and hopefully I'll be able to get in to see her in the next week or so. I made an appointment with my psychiatrist because I'm almost out of my ADHD meds. I'm feeling better today than I did even a few days ago, which may have to do with the fact that I'm doing something about it.

The biggest thing that I SHOULD be doing is going to bed early and waking up at the same time every morning. Why a smart chick like me can't get a handle on a sleep schedule... it's frustrating. That would probably help me the most. I definitely rely on Joe too much, or let him enable me. He's a night owl like me, so when he's up until 12:30, I'm up also. He sleeps until 8:30am... I like to snuggle. He doesn't necessarily need to change his schedule... I do. This has always been a huge problem and we need to find a way to remedy it.

Thinking about getting a light box.